A mother is the first person to give us a sense of security. But what if this mother sees the child not as a person, but as a reflection of herself? What if her love depends on how much the child conforms to her fantasies? This is a narcissistic mother. She may be caring in public and destructive in private. She may smother with her "sacrifice" or coldly ignore. Children of such mothers grow up feeling they are never good enough. But this trauma can be overcome. We tell you how to recognize a narcissistic mother and how to heal.

How to recognize a narcissistic mother

A narcissistic mother does not necessarily scream and hit. Often she acts more subtly. Signs: she constantly talks about her sacrifices ("I have done so much for you"); she envies her child's success (especially her daughter); she uses the child as a therapist (complaining about her husband, life); she violates boundaries (reading the diary, entering without knocking); she criticizes appearance, career choice, partner; she cannot rejoice in the child's achievements without linking it to herself ("this is thanks to my genes"); she belittles the child's feelings ("you are too sensitive", "don't make it up"). A child of such a mother never feels unconditional love — love must be earned, be convenient, talented, obedient.

Types of narcissistic mothers

Psychologists identify several types. The mother-gobbler: she considers the child an extension of herself, does not allow him to separate, controls every step, even in adulthood. The mother-neglector: she is cold, emotionally unavailable, busy with her career or lovers. The child feels unnecessary. The mother-"social narcissist": she displays the child's achievements to get praise for herself. She severely punishes in case of failures. The mother-"victim": she is constantly sick, suffering, manipulates a sense of guilt ("you are sending me to the grave"). All these types cause harm, but in different ways.

Children of narcissistic mothers: what they grow up into

Scenarios vary. The child may become subdued, anxious, a perfectionist ("I must be perfect to be loved"). He may become co-dependent: his whole life looking for approval, tolerating abusive partners. He may become a narcissist himself — repeating the mother's model. He may rebel and go into complete isolation. The common thing is low self-esteem, trust issues, inability to say "no", chronic guilt. Often depression, BPD, autoimmune diseases (psychosomatics) develop.

How to overcome the influence of a narcissistic mother in adulthood

The first step is to admit that there is a problem. Do not excuse the mother: "she wanted the best for me". The second is to stop waiting for her love and acceptance. You will not get what is not given. The third is to establish distance. This may be a move, reducing communication to a minimum, "informational diet" (not telling about personal life). The fourth is to work with a therapist (better with one who specializes in child trauma). Methods: EMDR, schema therapy, CBT. The fifth is to learn to take care of yourself, stop seeking approval.

Self-help techniques

Keeping a diary. Write down when you feel guilt, shame. Ask yourself: "Is this real guilt or imposed?". Practice "inner parent": imagine you are talking to yourself as a small child. What would you say? "You are not guilty, you are good". Technique "stop": when the mother starts manipulating, say mentally "stop" and switch. Affirmations: "I have a right to my life". It is also important to learn to say "no" without excuses.

Forgiveness: do you need to forgive a narcissistic mother

Forgiveness is not necessary. You are not obligated to forgive someone who has not repented. Forgiveness is not for her, but for you to relieve the burden. But many psychologists believe that you first need to live through anger, and forgiveness may come (or not) later. Do not force yourself. It is more important to accept that the mother will not change and stop waiting for her love.

What to do if you feel narcissistic traits towards your own children

You may fear repeating your fate. If you recognize yourself in the description, do not panic. Awareness is already half the cure. Seek help from a therapist. Learn to praise the child without "but" ("you are good, but you could do better"). Listen to his feelings, do not belittle them. Apologize when you are wrong. Remember: you are not obligated to be a perfect mother, "good enough" is enough.

Real-life examples: how adult children overcome trauma

Marina, 32 years old: "I moved to another city and reduced communication to a call once a month. I felt relief. Now I am learning to say "no" without feeling guilty." Alexey, 45 years old: "I realized that I have been looking for approval from my bosses all my life. After therapy, I quit my job and started my own business. I communicate with my mother, but I do not expect praise from her." Elena, 28 years old: "I forbade my mother to comment on my appearance. She was offended, but I held my ground. Now we communicate better — she understood the boundaries."

Overcoming the influence of a narcissistic mother is a marathon, not a sprint. But it is possible. The main thing is to stop waiting for the mother to change and start changing your life. You deserve love not for anything, but just because you exist. And this love you can give yourself.

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